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The most important unimportant person you'll ever meet...
December 2008
 
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big_daddy_shaun
big_daddy_shaun
Shaun Wolf
Thu, Dec. 18th, 2008 10:37 pm

I get my g1 tomorrow, and i'm pretty stoked. (= Expect a lot more activity from me once I can post on the go. (=

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big_daddy_shaun
big_daddy_shaun
Shaun Wolf
Mon, Nov. 3rd, 2008 03:33 am

I've apparently had it for a year. (=

I wonder if I'm even still on anyone's friend list, and further still, I wonder if the people who's lists I'm still one even remember who I am. (=

Oh what a long, strange trip it's been...

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big_daddy_shaun
big_daddy_shaun
Shaun Wolf
Tue, Nov. 27th, 2007 10:37 am

So, my best friend Matt and my other best friend Matt (we call him Grover, you know, like Sesame Street) love this band Third Eye Blind. I'm sure you've heard of them, and I'm sure you know those three songs they overplayed on the radio. Now, Team Matt has always supported this band greatly, and I always fought it, which is odd, because I loved Third Eye Blind when I was a teenager, but all of my "hardcore" friends made fun of me for listening to it. Consequently, my taste for rap music came during this time (go fig). So, today, I was constructing my latest soundtrack, which is already over 70 songs strong (or bloated as the case may be) I got to the T's in my playlist and decided to listen to a little Third Eye Blind.

Now maybe it's the... creative 'performance enhances' I enjoyed not but thirty minutes earlier, or maybe it's the fact that it's my first day off in like a week and a half, or maybe still it could be something altogether different... but I feel so awesome right now.

b (^-^) d

Growth has occured, and again I'm about four years behind the curve.

But!

Growth!

SCIENCE!

INDUSTRY!

Ok, I got a little off topic there. See what a smiley does to good writing? It slaughters it, just totally derails it and send it hurtling off in this strange direction that could very well spell your intellectual ruin. But, to quote Ed Wuncler III, "Bitches love smiley faces; send dat bitch a smiley face." XD Plus smileys are fun, maybe I enjoy them so much because I can't smile much on my own. (It's a long story. And not smile as in, woe boo hoo everybody hates me, more like, lacking the physical ability to do so, but not quite, augh dammit I told you it was a long story...)

I've gotten really bad with the parenthetical asides lately. Especially in my instant messaging and text messaging. It's led me to believe I'm running on two personalities that aren't even all that much different. I guess I just needed a debating partner that's on call 24/7 and I decided to just give myself that second opinion in the back of my head.

And... I'm gonna have to cut this one short. Something just came up...

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big_daddy_shaun
big_daddy_shaun
Shaun Wolf
Tue, Nov. 27th, 2007 07:35 am

A girl once told me, while we were sitting in front of my apartment that was I naive. At the time I wanted to chuckle a bit, because I didn't think that was the case. But as my conversation with her continued, and she started telling me what was going on, I started realizing that I was. I had no idea that people were as fucked up as they are, or at least fucked up by my standards. When I start beating myself up for being a bad person, I start thinking about all of the other things that people do, and I start realizing that I'm pretty much a saint. Not to say that there aren't bad things I've done in my life, especially this week, I've apparently made some pretty colossal mistakes, but I think that was just the liquor talking.

The crazy thing is that girl was my ex, talking to me about my soon to be ex, who she had become best friends with. Crazy how this world works itself out, eh?

I've pretty much been drunk for about four days straight, from the moment I wake up til the moment I pass out on my couch. Even at work I've been sneaking shots from the bar, and I've somehow managed to stumble my way through my daily life with few people being the wiser. I'm not bragging, so don't get me wrong, I'm honestly a bit concerned. I remember how it was for one of my friends when he ended up in the same place, and now I understand him that much more, and now I'm that more sorry for the way we treated him. On the other hand, I don't know what anyone could do for me right now that could help. There's no one person who's hurt me in this situation. There's no one situatoin that needs to be resolved. If it was closure I was looking for, then I'd go and find it. But it's not that easy this time.

I don't like people, I can say this with certainty now. There are so very few good people left, and most of the time they're only good people because they don't know how to be bad people well and get away with it. Everyone wants to be the bad person. The thief, the slut, the asshole, the bully, that's all anyone wants to be these days. No one really takes enjoyment in being a good person, everyone has to have that thrill of doing something wrong. Our nation has taken a seriously wrong turn, at least the hippies had a reason for being thrown all the time and sleeping with everyone around them. They were at least attempting to protest something. What are we, in this day and age fighting against?

Boredom, I suppose.

Kids grow up too spoiled these days, teenagers have too much freedom, and twenty somethings, while they've always been pretty fucked up, now have to push the envelope even further due to the fucked up shit they got away with during the former two developmental periods.

People get robbed, people get raped, people make homemade porn movies. It's just kinda fucked up to me. I've always had this weird concept of sex, and it's always made me a bit neurotic, maybe it's because I don't get much of it myself, or maybe I'm just the only person who has a conscious.

But I still think I'm just selfish, and so wrapped up in my own mind that I'm incapable of seeing the fact that I'm just as bad as the people who hurt me. It's like a sickness that just spreads to everyone around you. Your relative ethics and morals are dictated by the people you spend the majority of your time around, and I work in the service industry, and I don't think people outside of said industry really understand the depravity that goes on within it. It's like ninth grade, every day, all day, no problem.

Sit'own pimpin' let daddy holla'tcha.

There are those of us who cry all the time.
There are those of us who complain all of the time.
Those of us who point fingers.
Those of us who have fingers pointed at us.
People who do the right thing.
People who do the wrong thing.
People who don't believe either of those things exist.

People who get too concerned with what others will think of their decisions.
And others who don't give a damn.

Those who love their friends too much.
And those who don't love them nearly enough.

We're all fucked up, and we all lie to each other, and it makes me sad. We all try to get away with all of these little things that we think other people will never find out about, and then when they do, suddenly it hurts five million times more than it would have had they just been honest in the first place. But then you start wondering if the things you hear are even true or not, because you know the other people lie too, and then you start wondering who's really telling the truth.

Or if there even is a truth.

I don't understand people who kill themselves because they hate themselves.
I do understand people who kill themselves because they hate everyone else.

I hope my kids don't live in the world I do, or if they do, I hope they're much stronger than their father was.

So do yourself and everyone around you a favor, and stop hiding things from others on the false trust that no one will say anything to the person you're trying to keep it from. Because it always gets back.

Now I realize, I realize they were wrong
Cuz what happens in Vegas, don't take very long
To travel across continents and onward overseas
To our little island, to our city, our home

I didn't mean to cause any trouble
I didn't know you were so serious
I didn't mean to burst our bubble
It could only float for so long

Sometimes I wish, I could cry on demand
Boo hoo
Boo hoo

Given all these troubles on my mind
The tears won't come out

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big_daddy_shaun
big_daddy_shaun
Shaun Wolf
Mon, Nov. 26th, 2007 09:06 am

Who's on WLSD
And she says the scene isn't what it's been and she's thinking of going home

That it's old and it's totally over now
And it's old and it's over it's over now
It's over it's over now
I can see myself

At the end of the tour
When the road disappears
If there's any more people around
When the tour runs aground
And if you're still around
Then we'll meet at the end of the tour

The engagements are booked through the end of the world
So we'll meet at the end of the tour

Never to part since the day we met out on Interstate 91
I was bent metal you were a flaming wreck when we kissed at the overpass
I was sailing along with the people driving themselves to distraction inside me
then came a knock on the door
which was odd
and the picture abruptly changed

At the end of the tour
When the road disappears
If there's any more people around
When the tour runs aground
And if you're still around
Then we'll meet at the end of the tour

The engagements are booked through the end of the world
So we'll meet at the end of the tour

This was the vehicle
These were the people
You opened the door and expelled all the people

This was the vehicle
These were the people
You opened the door and expelled all the people

This was the vehicle
These were the people
You opened the door and expelled all the people

You let them go

At the end of the tour
When the road disappears
If there's any more people around
When the tour runs aground
And if you're still around
Then we'll meet at the end of the tour

The engagements are booked through the end of the world
So we'll meet at the end of the tour

And I'm never going to tour again
No we're never going to tour again

Current Mood: calm calm
Current Music: They Might Be Giants - The End Of The Tour

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big_daddy_shaun
big_daddy_shaun
Shaun Wolf
Sun, Nov. 4th, 2007 02:13 am

So it's that nebulous point of time where you turn your clocks back, and you're never quite sure what time it really is, and if it wasn't for cel phones and computers that were smarter than you were, you'd really have no idea.

I like this hour, it's that hour that doesn't count, but does, but yet, somehow still doesn't.




(It's becoming increasingly difficult to hold back the things I need to hold back.)



Life is ok, I've been apartment shopping, and re-establishing negotiations with my mother on things of the living sort. Got my college schedule for next year planned out, and more or less continuing to kick ass at work.

For those who have been confused and only keep up with me via my blog, I did not get the game design job, and I'm back slinging drinks, just now at Friday's rather than the OG. At least it's more of a 'real' bartending job, and I have a lot more fun, and I get to wear my kick ass hat. And that's always a plus.

I've had a bit to drink tonight, it was apparently a special occasion, one that I have since forgotten.



(It's hard to have the courage to say something so important, but even harder to have the fortitude not to in order to benefit others.)



I think I need to sleep. My 10AM to 1AM shift tomorrow isn't coming any later, I've already gotten my free hour.

Sometimes I wish I was a normal boy.

But most of the time I'm glad that I'm not.

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big_daddy_shaun
big_daddy_shaun
Shaun Wolf
Thu, Nov. 1st, 2007 02:43 am

So my birthday is on Monday. I'm gonna be 28. I'm not old, but, I'm a grown ass man, by every definition, so it's time I start acting like one.

It's time to:

- Take control of my emotions.
- Stand up for myself in all aspects of my life.
- Continue being a nice person.
- Put together a plan of action for the future, because it's coming with a ruckus.
- Stop putting social responsibilities before personal ones.
- Fight for the things I want.
- Defend the things I have.
- Protect the ones I love.
- Be me, and no one else.
- Handle my money right.
- Get a stable roof over my head.
- Tell my mom I love her more often.
- Know who my real friends are.
- Not be afraid to say what's on my mind, even if I know what the ramifications may be.
- Be a man.

There's a ton more that goes on that list, but I think that's a good start.

Tomorrow I close again, I closed tonight. The next day I work a double, and I'm going to try and work straight through. I know I work open to close on Sunday.

I'm still trying to quit smoking, god it's so hard. It's so hard. It makes me want to kill people. It makes me crazy. But It's gotta get done.

I don't drink nearly as much anymore, and only if it's complimentary. I can't afford to be wasting 20 dollars on one night of fun, it's just not practical.

I smoke weed maybe once every two weeks, which, for anyone who's known me for a while, is a distinct change from my old habits. I still enjoy it, but again, I can't afford to spend the money on it, at least not right now, and I certainly can't afford to be caught with it. I'm not a kid anymore.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

Maybe God did know what's up.

I like a girl way too much right now, one who doesn't need that from me. And today I decided I need to stop, no matter how much it hurts me. I value her friendship far too much to lose it, and I'm afraid I may have already begun to damage it.

I think I have a lot to offer her, and she has a lot to offer me, but this isn't the time, nor is it the place. Right now she needs a friend, and right now that's what I'm going to be. I've made mistakes in the past, and while they've always resolved themselves in the end, and I haven't ever actually lost that friend, we've had to go through a period of separation, and I don't want my friendship with her to have to endure that.

But if it ends up needing to happen, then so be it. Whatever it takes for her to find herself again, and to find happiness once more, is what I want for her. And I have to focus on doing the same for myself.

Next week, I officially start looking hardcore for apartments. Next week I start getting my debts paid.

Today, I start acting like a man, at all times.
Today, I stop dreaming about tomorrow and start planning for tomorrow.

Today, my name is Shaun Michael Wolf.
Yesterday, I was the most important unimportant person you'd ever meet.
Tomorrow, I will be the one person you'll never forget.

Anyone who ever needs me, will have me.

And from now on I won't lean on anyone else.

It's time I stood up on my own two feet.

It's what my father would have wanted.
It's what my mother wants.
It's what my friends know I can do.

It's what I will do.

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big_daddy_shaun
big_daddy_shaun
Shaun Wolf
Sat, Oct. 13th, 2007 03:48 am

Have you ever stopped and wondered...

. o O (Are other people as insane as me?)
. o O (Do other people worry about these things?)
. o O (Are my shoes untied?)

It's a thought that I often come to when I'm not feeling well upstairs. When the proverbial turkeys have got me down. Oh and for the record, I'm officially importing this blog to my facebook, which will surely be a terrible, terrible mistake, but I guess it's time the world came to realize my dark secrets.

Anyway, getting back to the point. When I'm feeling down, I remind myself that there are at least fifteen people who are probably no further than a half mile away from my current location who are losing sleep over the same shit I'm losing sleep over. What a sad existence, to be ruled by your own anxieties over issues that everyone can relate to, but we're all far too afraid to talk about.

The human condition is a bitch.

So I'm hooked on this Avril Lavigne song called 'Hot', yeah, shut up, I don't want to hear it. I saw the video and she was, well, hot (pun sorta intended?) so I just couldn't look away. And you know me, once a poppy beat gets stuck in my head, I have to listen to it about twenty times in a row before it goes away, and by then, I've learned to like the song. So, now I'm stuck with this stupid song, but I dunno, I kinda like that. It's a good thing I'm heteroflexible.

But it did make me think a bit tonight. I've never really known the sensation of having a girl that's just that into the fact that you make her happy. I've never really been that for someone as far as I know... and I would kinda hope I'd realize it if I was. But, sadly, chances are I probably have been, didn't realize it, and missed out on an amazing opportunity because I was too busy playing with the shiny thing in the corner.

... oooh shiny...

... shiny shiny...

...

...

Anyway.

Man it feels good to write again. I've been so lost in my strange amalgamation of trying to hold down a real, honest to god social life, working full time, playing WoW (which is so counterproductive to the first two), and generally trying to put my life back on track the entire time that I just haven't had the moment to stop, collect my thoughts, and put them down on the nebulous 'paper' that is the interwebs.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not sad, or depressed, or upset. I'm honestly not entirely sure what I am. I know that I'm growing up, and I know that it's come a little late, or maybe a little early (the jury is still out on that one) and I suppose for better or worse it's a necessary step. I know that my tastes are changing, my needs and wants are changing, and my amount of gray hair is definitely increasing. There has been, however, an overabundance of cranial clutter piling up, and I need to toss it all out on here so I can start reorganizing and filing. Plus the ol' noggin could use a good dusting after all this time.

Landon showing up on WoW reminded me that it's been forever since I even came to visit the MUSH, and longer still since I actually took part in it. I have to say I'm glad I've moved on, but I also don't have any regrets either. I learned a lot during those days about myself and other people, and I made a lot of great friends, ones that I really should keep in better touch with.

I'm waiting for my service industry phase to end, because I consider this my party phase, because that's really what working in the service industry is about. Doesn't matter who you are, what you are, whether or not you were popular in high school, you're going out with the gang, and you're getting trashed, because it's what those people have to do in order to get by. Don't think it an exaggeration, there's a reason why server is in the top five list of most stressful jobs. Hell I think it may have been number one when I saw the statistics. There's gotta be a reason why most restaurants offer mental health care packages after all.

But I'm writing again, and that's good. It needs to be done, and it needs to be done a lot more. Matt said to me last night when I was in the middle of a riveting game of Surviving High School on my cel phone, "Dude, you're always playing some sort of game. If you wrote for even half the time you spent playing games..."

And I finished, "... I'd have finished my book years ago."

It made me think, so here I am. Am I gonna stop playing games? Probably not, but I'm definitely going to start making time for the other things in my life that I've been neglecting.

I'm working on quitting smoking, it's a rough battle, and it's not one I feel I'm winning just yet. But I've cut back considerably. I need to just get off and stay off. But it's been so hard with the other troubles on my mind.

Balls to the Walls, as Patrick would say.

It's shit or get off the pot time, it may never be too late, but I definitely feel like I'm quickly running out of time.

I'll be twenty eight in three weeks. Twenty eight. There's no turning back now. Thirty isn't far away at all. It's knockin' on the door. There won't be many excuses then. It's either get my shit together, or live a life of mediocrity. And I'm better than that. And I know that. So it's time to start tappin' that potential, before I let all of it dwindle to the wayside.


Quick Random Tangents:
Code Monkeys - Best show on television
Californication - Omg, a tv show about me ten years from now!
Transformers - So much better than I ever could've expected
My Tattoo - Still a big hit, speaking of the former
Girls - Still giving me trouble, but hey, better than not giving me anything at all, right?
Bioshock - Overrated or best game I've played in years, still not sure yet.
Superbad - Better than I want to admit it is.
Knocked Up - Even moreso than Superbad.
Jimmy Dean Breakfast Bowls - The best meal a person can microwave.


I've missed you words, and I've missed you people that read them.

Party on Wayne.

Current Location: The Couch
Current Music: Whatever Pops Up On Pandora

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big_daddy_shaun
big_daddy_shaun
Shaun Wolf
Sat, Sep. 1st, 2007 05:03 pm

So I've alredy taken and aced my test and now I have an interview next week to be a Game Designer. How about that, the one job I always wanted and never thought I'd get, because I didn't think American game companies employed the position.

Getting fired was the best thing evar.

YAR

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big_daddy_shaun
big_daddy_shaun
Shaun Wolf
Wed, Aug. 29th, 2007 01:43 pm

Anybody hiring?

I just got fired.

I'm on a roll now!

WOO HOO! XD

(I needed to get the fuck out of that place anyway, I was kinda stuck in neutral there.)


And there really aren't ways to get a hold of me these days.

I don't really check my myspace often, but you're free to try that way.
http://www.myspace.com/h8bit

I don't have a Wii yet, but will before Brawl comes out, so I'll let y'all know on that front.

I still play WoW pretty frequently, so if you play that, I play on the Mug'Thol server, Horde side (fucking natch, fuck a bunch of alliance.)
Tempest (70 Doomkin) Megalith (70 Tank) Kaeli (25 Healbot) Gaav (15 Huntarr) Problem (10 Mage) Lewtz (15 Rogue)

I don't really use AIM anymore.

I still have my phone, but I'm not about to post my number on the interwebs, there's scary people out there. (like me!)

So yeah.

But man the Chi does sound good.

LOL, maybe I'll go work there.

Current Mood: busy busy
Current Music: My Chemical Romance - Dead!

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